The South is Only a Home!

Yeehaw y’all! Big news from the Higgers campaign! Mr. Higgers is out of jail and has gone campaigning in Massachusetts. I guess that must be a big swing state this year! Guess he decided to go-a-courtin’ some voters at the Red Sox game last night, which is his favorite baseball team (my favorite is of course the Philadelphia High Tornadoes!) I’ll bet he was real sad about Mr. Ramirez being traded.

[Webmaster’s Note: While not strictly speaking on topic, I would also like to point out the tastelessness of the school board naming our “spirited” high school football team after the class of natural disaster which had three of its most deadly spawn touch down right in the Hospitality State. They might as well make the mascot of my beloved alma mater the Boston Molasses Tanks.

Also, while I too count myself a member of Red Sox nation, I would wager that Mr. Higgers’ affection for the team owes less to the towering home runs of David Ortiz and more to the hiring policies of Tom Yawkey—that particular former owner of the team being the reason that the Red Sox were the last major-league team to integrate. I base this only on his attire at last night's game, and while it's possible he was genuinely confused about what team he was watching and very disappointed in Big Papi's performance in this past series, Occam's razor postulates a different motivation for a White Sox t-shirt with "Fire Ortiz" scrawled on the back in "SpaghettiOs(™)" sauce.]

Mr. Cuthbert sure types real pretty, doesn’t he? He’s a chief cook and bottle washer? Well, there’s a bit more bad news about our Mr. Higgers. He must have been real upset about the Red Sox losing so bad, and there was some kind of incident, and Mr. Higgers is back in jail for a bit. I don’t hold much with gossip, so I won’t post all the details here in this “blog”. What they say probably isn’t true at all! Let’s just say maybe they don’t have enough Johnny Blues up at those baseball games. No sir.

[Webmaster’s Note: I will, like Ms. Clydes, spare most of the unsavory details, but according to police reports an inebriated Mr. Higgers became unruly and urinated on a local teacher by the name of Mr. Weisel, then resisted arrest alternately claiming that the victim was on fire and that his urine contained Zyklon B.

Mr…Weisel? Oh. Oh dear God.]